truth #24: I am my own worst enemy

For some reason, I had thought that looking to Jesus was a one time deal, now I am more convinced than ever that looking to Jesus only makes us look more.  It seems that I could almost feel proud of my accomplishments this week, the way that I looked to Jesus in a very frustrating situation instead of letting the situation take over me.  Instead I find that my knuckles are still white with my grip to Him, my eyes so dry because I am afraid to blink, because if I do then maybe I will fall again. Oh how easy it is to fall.  This week has been fascinating in a practice of what I talked about last week, looking to Jesus. 

There are 60 seconds in each minute with 60 minutes in each hour with 24 hours in each day and 7 days in one week..  That makes for a lot of choices in just one little week.  So, I would like to refer this conversation to a specific event that occurred this week.  Most of you who know me well, understand that I am an independent person, stubborn at times, and in a word a somewhat strong personality.  My grandfather used to say that I could argue with a fence post, which has gotten better over the years.  Also, I HATE it when something is done unfairly, to me or to others.  YES mom, I do realize that this world is not fair!  (a quote that I heard daily during my teenage years)  It is thus in my nature to fight against those injustices whither it be by educating poor children or playing by the rules in a board game..  And though I do realize that there are exceptions to the rule, for the most part, these things are like rubbing a cats fur the wrong direction to me.  I have a friend who has an unfortunate habit of saying things that irritate me.  One of such occurances happened during this week and I must be honest and confess that my initial reaction was not good, I was angry at the rudeness of the statement made by my friend.  Then I heard that small voice asking me "Why are you so angry?"  then I recognized that it was not anger but rather hurt.  I was deeply hurt that this person would treat me in such a manner.  So I asked God an either/or question, should I do this or that?  He simply told me to pray.  Pray for my friend, not that they would see 'the light', not that God would fix them but instead to pray blessings, protection, wisdom, peace and joy over them.  The hurt began to fade, forgiveness and healing were possible.  Was I able to do this myself?  HA, not at all, like I said previously, my eyes are still dry because I am afraid of blinking and falling away. 


Maybe this all seem childish to you, maybe you don't have the same struggles as I do, but I must admit it was the way that God so clearly showed me 'my way' vs 'His way' that was of importance and not so much the event.  Because, it is when I surrender that He holds me, when peace comes, and when it all works out. I am sure that there is a way to look to Jesus and still be able to blink but I have to admit that I still don't trust myself. You see I realize that I am my own worst enemy when it comes to looking at Jesus. I am struggling against my selfish reactions and desires, my independence, my idea of justice.  I am struggling against me.  As long as my eyes are on Him my 'self' has no power.  So if I have to go through this life with dry eyes and cramped hands then so be it, as communion with Him is worth every second.   And do I fall?  Do I mess up?  Of course, but as I said previously He tells me to look to Him and not at what I have done, bad or good. 

"But whatever things were gain to me, those things I have counted as loss for the sake of Christ.  More than that I count all things to be loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things and count them but rubbish so that I may gain Christ."  Philippians 3:7-8

truth #23: less of me is better

Many of you know that shortly after arriving back in Texas on the 19th of December a surprising event occurred. Early in the morning of the 21st, I was in the hospital having an emergency laparoscopic appendectomy after a night full of the worst stomach pains I have had in my life. This event led to a lot of firsts in my life...

-being a patient in the ER
-having morphine
-wearing one of those airy hospital gowns for more than 30 min
-having surgery
-eating hospital food
-having to politely call someone to take me to the bathroom every 3 hours
-having a panic attack.. silly I know
-staying overnight in a hospital
-having saline solution pushed through my dry IV... OUCH
-being in public with my pant unbuttoned on purpose

It was a very interesting week before Christmas let me tell you! I passed that whole week under the influence of prescription drugs so my Christmas day was a little hazy. When people kept pointing out how often they caught me with my eyes closed, I just simply said "I'm awake! and just resting my eyes!" They didn't tend to believe me. My parents took great care of me and I will forever be grateful that they insisted that I go to the ER. So many friends and family have mentioned how good it was that the whole thing happened after I got back home instead of in Ecuador. That made me start to think about things a little more closely. I realized that if this had all happened 48 hours earlier, I would not have gone to the hospital, at least not until my appendix had burst. That could have been very dangerous and possibly deadly. And this whole thing happened at the beginning of my trip giving me two weeks to recover before I flew back. Also, Seth from OM Ecuador was back home in Georgia with Lennart and they were returning to Guayaquil on the same flight as me. Meaning that they helped me with my bags as I am under strict orders not to lift anything over 15 pounds.

I am two days from the three week mark and have only three more weeks of careful living until I go back to normal. I am doing much better and healing fine. This whole situation really helped me to see once again how God is orchestrating everything in my life even when I don't see it at first.  Thank you for your prayers as I know and see that God is answering them!

When I titled this post as 'less of me is better' I was just thinking in the sense that I am now better off without my appendix as it was giving me all that trouble.  However, this also ties into what God has been teaching me lately.  I have found my self very frustrated over the last few months with my own self, work and others.  I had been praying about the situations so much and it felt like so little was happening.  It wasn't until I was sitting in the airport on my way home and writing in my journal when I began to realize that my mindset was wrong and thus my prayers were also in a sense wrong.  I had been praying so hard for God to fix things, to give me the strength to fix things to do, and fix, and about every other active verb you can think of when the only thing that He desired for me to do was to look at Him, not at me and not at my problems.  It sounds so simple, just focus on Jesus and everything will work out.  But what does that mean, to focus on Jesus?  I am still figure that one out.  But I am learning as fast as this stubborn person can, that my job isn't to fix everything in life but to look to Him and He will show my in His time whatever it is that He wants me to work on.  It isn't and easy thing for me to learn and I am spending everyday seeking to hear His voice and what it is that He wants to tell me in that moment.  Life is a lot more peaceful that way. 

"You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you."

Isaiah 26:3