truth #24: I am my own worst enemy

For some reason, I had thought that looking to Jesus was a one time deal, now I am more convinced than ever that looking to Jesus only makes us look more.  It seems that I could almost feel proud of my accomplishments this week, the way that I looked to Jesus in a very frustrating situation instead of letting the situation take over me.  Instead I find that my knuckles are still white with my grip to Him, my eyes so dry because I am afraid to blink, because if I do then maybe I will fall again. Oh how easy it is to fall.  This week has been fascinating in a practice of what I talked about last week, looking to Jesus. 

There are 60 seconds in each minute with 60 minutes in each hour with 24 hours in each day and 7 days in one week..  That makes for a lot of choices in just one little week.  So, I would like to refer this conversation to a specific event that occurred this week.  Most of you who know me well, understand that I am an independent person, stubborn at times, and in a word a somewhat strong personality.  My grandfather used to say that I could argue with a fence post, which has gotten better over the years.  Also, I HATE it when something is done unfairly, to me or to others.  YES mom, I do realize that this world is not fair!  (a quote that I heard daily during my teenage years)  It is thus in my nature to fight against those injustices whither it be by educating poor children or playing by the rules in a board game..  And though I do realize that there are exceptions to the rule, for the most part, these things are like rubbing a cats fur the wrong direction to me.  I have a friend who has an unfortunate habit of saying things that irritate me.  One of such occurances happened during this week and I must be honest and confess that my initial reaction was not good, I was angry at the rudeness of the statement made by my friend.  Then I heard that small voice asking me "Why are you so angry?"  then I recognized that it was not anger but rather hurt.  I was deeply hurt that this person would treat me in such a manner.  So I asked God an either/or question, should I do this or that?  He simply told me to pray.  Pray for my friend, not that they would see 'the light', not that God would fix them but instead to pray blessings, protection, wisdom, peace and joy over them.  The hurt began to fade, forgiveness and healing were possible.  Was I able to do this myself?  HA, not at all, like I said previously, my eyes are still dry because I am afraid of blinking and falling away. 


Maybe this all seem childish to you, maybe you don't have the same struggles as I do, but I must admit it was the way that God so clearly showed me 'my way' vs 'His way' that was of importance and not so much the event.  Because, it is when I surrender that He holds me, when peace comes, and when it all works out. I am sure that there is a way to look to Jesus and still be able to blink but I have to admit that I still don't trust myself. You see I realize that I am my own worst enemy when it comes to looking at Jesus. I am struggling against my selfish reactions and desires, my independence, my idea of justice.  I am struggling against me.  As long as my eyes are on Him my 'self' has no power.  So if I have to go through this life with dry eyes and cramped hands then so be it, as communion with Him is worth every second.   And do I fall?  Do I mess up?  Of course, but as I said previously He tells me to look to Him and not at what I have done, bad or good. 

"But whatever things were gain to me, those things I have counted as loss for the sake of Christ.  More than that I count all things to be loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things and count them but rubbish so that I may gain Christ."  Philippians 3:7-8